Fantasy vs. Reality:
Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
Knowledge Needs to be Prioritized:
Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain.
Homer: Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
Homer: A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. 6 feet tall, 300 pounds ... it makes ice.
Compassion for Your Fellow Man:
Homer: Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Part one - Homer: You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
Part two - Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Making an Impression:
Homer: All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.
Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
Marge: Homer, a man who called himself "you-know-who" just invited you to a secret "wink-wink" at the "you-know-what".
Homer: Oh, yeah. Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, AA meetings, beer night.
Dealing with Problems:
Lenny: There's nothing like revenge for getting back at people.
Carl: Vengeance isn't too bad either.
Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.
Homer: Homer no function beer well without
Barney: Hey, Homer, I'm worried about the beer supply. After this case, and the other case, there's only one case left.
When Choosing a Place to Go:
Bart: I smell a museum.
Homer: Yeah, good things don't end with 'eum,' they end with 'mania' or 'teria.'
Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.
Lisa: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.
Sea Captain: Yar, I'm not attractive.
To her, personality (and a parrot and peg leg, if necessary) overcomes ugliness.
Homer: Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.
Covering Your Ass:
Homer: I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.