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Appalling Political Pundits

There´s an election coming up but don´t let any of these people influence you in any way, shape, or form.

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    12. Arianna Huffington She sounds like a Gabor and primps like a Hilton. Plus, she gets bonus points for completing the right-to-left political reidentification in about 1/10th the time it took Senator Lieberman to do the reverse.
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    11. Dennis Miller His political/pop-culture gibes have gotten so obtuse and nonsensical ("Mark Foley is like McQueen in Bullitt, but with Rin Tin Tin´s singing voice") that we have no idea whether he´s a lefty, a righty, or just way overmedicated.
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    10. Chris Matthews HE TALKS VERY LOUD. VERY VERY LOUD. HIS VOICE IS AN ANVIL. A LOUD ANVIL.
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    9. Wolf Blitzer Perhaps he doesn´t belong on this list, as he rarely takes a position on anything except lunch .But The Situation Room not only gives some of the nation´s preeminent political bores a venue for their punditry, but also boasts the same narcotic effect of GHB.
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    8. Sean Hannity and Alan Colmes (tie) Or is it Alan Hannity and Sean Colmes? Which one of the two is the pinko? Which is the blazer-and-tie reactionary? And does it really matter?
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    7. Matt Drudge Given his influence—he broke the Monica Lewinsky thing and spent the next six years bragging about it—we should probably rank him higher. But we´re not sure if he´s still alive. Anyone?
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    6. Bill Maher Like Andy Rooney and Sinbad before him, Maher can be counted on to suck the funny and insight out of any discussion. That he´s survived nearly 15 years as a TV gadabout is as much a mystery as Stonehenge.
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    5. Rush Limbaugh Grandpa always said that fat, delusional, and hopped up on goofballs is no way to go through life, but Rush proves the old guy wrong in his every immigrant-baiting soliloquy. He is to syndicated talk radio what Sirhan Sirhan is to redundantly named assassins.
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    4. Janeane Garofalo Future generations will look back at The Larry Sanders Show and Wet Hot American Summer and ask, "That crazy woman who shrieks about the President—she used to be funny?" It will be our duty, then, to hike those future generations onto our lap, assuming they´re of voting age, and tell them the sad tale of Garofalo´s de-evolution from dry wit to humorless harpy.
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    3. Tucker Carlson His decision to appear on Dancing With the Stars was surprising for a single reason: Who knew we´d expanded our definition of "star" to include thick-tongued conspiracy theorists?
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    2. Al Franken He used to be the go-to guy for stoner giggles. Now, he babbles as endlessly and pointlessly as an unemployable poli-sci grad student. He´s like Bill Clinton in reverse.
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    1. Ann Coulter Yes, she´ll probably go away if we ignore her. But goodness, she makes it nigh impossible, whether by spewing ugly, transparently provocative statements about 9/11 widows ("they sure oughta lay off the peanut brittle") or by dressing like an extra from The Ice Storm´s key party. There are few people on the planet more richly deserving of being set aflame.